SNEAKY SABOTEURS: The Subtle Power of Expectations

My shopping list was meticulously organised—rewritten twice to ensure that every ingredient I needed was listed in the sequence I’d find them within the grocery store. Our annual Thanksgiving celebration was only two days away, and the list was large and filled with many special items.

Failing to purchase any one of these had the potential to throw long standing family recipes into a tail spin, so I was being extra careful. Mentally checking and rechecking the contents of my trolley against the list several times as I progressed through the store. But somehow I made a mistake.

Not such a big deal, except I only discovered my oversight as our guests were about arrive. I’d failed to buy a can of evaporated milk, an essential ingredient in the pumpkin pie filling I was madly trying to finish.

A Fundamental Mismatch: Understanding How Expectations Cause Pain

My reaction? I’d like to say that I was merely disappointed—but that would be less than accurate. Truthfully, I was exceptionally frustrated, bordering on furious. My inner critic relishing the opportunity to sink the boot in.

The funny thing is, though, that my frustration and anger were entirely preventable. And not in the way you might assume (by getting the shopping 100 percent correct).

You see it wasn’t my shopping oversight that lead to my reaction, the frustration and anger. Rather it was the mismatch between what I was expecting, to not have missed a thing, and what actually occurred, the forgotten can of evaporated milk. (By the way, I struggle to recall ever returning from the grocery store with everything I set out to buy.)

And it’s this same mismatch of expectation and reality (what is), that underpins so much of the disappointment, frustration, sadness and anger we experience in our lives. So much of what sits behind our reacting versus responding more wisely to all manner of situations.

Stop and reflect for a moment:

How often do you find yourself frustrated, disappointed, sad, or angry with something (mobile phone, computer, voice recognition software); some situation (messy bedrooms, staff conflicts, world events); or someone (family member, business colleague, yourself)?

Bring to mind a recent example, and ask yourself: What was I expecting? Then compare that with what actually occurred (reality).

See the mismatch?

What might have been your response if your expectation had been different?

For example, if your teenage son’s room generally resembles a bomb shelter, how might you respond differently if you didn’t expect to see a pristine room when you open his closed door, just because you asked him to clean up his room two days ago?

Let me be clear. I’m not suggesting that we can ever get rid of expectations. That in itself would be a foolish expectation.

A Wiser Choice: Mindfully Altering Your Expectations

However, we can become more mindful of our expectations. And through the awareness that arises out of that mindfulness, we can begin to ask ourselves if our expectations are serving both ourselves and others well.

If they’re not, then the opportunity exists to alter them. Perhaps only expecting your son’s room to be a little less messy than it was before; or expecting that despite your best efforts to clearly communicate a new strategic initiative, not every member of your team will get fully on-board straight away.

By bringing your expectations to the foreground of your awareness, rather than allowing them to lurk in the shadows waiting to sabotage your enthusiasm, commitment, enjoyment and satisfaction, you can increasingly provide yourself with the option of making wiser choices.

Choices that might just encourage you to judge yourself and others less harshly and less often. Choices that might help you to see and build on what is working well, rather than focussing on what’s not. And choices that might enable you to open more completely to potential and possibilities, rather than pitfalls and shortcomings.

A Personal Experiment: How to Get Started

How much more constructive, creative, caring and connected might you become as a result? How much more impactful, insightful, and inspired?

Only you can decide to find out. They’re your expectations after all.

But if you’re curious to explore this fertile ground for mindful growth and development, here’s what I recommend.

Set an intention to increase awareness of your expectations over the next two weeks.

For the first week, whenever you find yourself feeling disappointed, sad, frustrated or angry (or any other strong emotion for that matter), ask yourself:

What was/am I expecting?

(*I often get my coaching clients to keep a journal of these expectations—you might like to do the same).

Understand that during the first week, your only role is to observe and notice. You’re simply building awareness—perhaps starting to see common patterns in your expectations (or not).

Then, during the second week, whenever you find yourself feeling disappointed, sad, frustrated or angry (or any other strong emotion), not only notice what you are/were expecting, but also ask yourself two additional questions:

Is this serving me and others well?

How could I modify my expectation(s) to serve both myself and others better?

At the end of the two weeks, spend 10-15 minutes reflecting on what you’ve noticed, and consider what modifications you’d like to road test in the period ahead—continuing to observe, notice and experiment with your expectations so that they increasingly serve both you and those you live with, love, and lead, more wisely.

Consider it a work in progress, an on-going experiment in expectations Stay curious and interested, and just see what that brings.

As for me, I know that come next Thanksgiving I’ll once again be trying my best to not miss a thing, but I certainly won’t expect it!